Apparently everything is toxic: clothes shed microplastic, heat-printed receipts are coated in BPA, black plastic kitchen utensils might contain fire retardants†The paper overstated the content by a factor of 10 and was subsequently corrected, but still!, microwaving plastic tupperware leaches chemicals into food, non-stick pans are coated in who-knows-what.

Everything is out to kill my family!

We didn’t know any better in the 80s and 90s, we didn’t really seem to care in the 00s and 10s, but now the Earth is steadily heating up, cancer rates are increasing in the millennial generation, and in our current political climate, it seems like most reasonable people have gotten the message that nobody is coming to save us†Don’t tell me to calm down!. Now, people of my generation are scrambling to salvage what’s left of their health and secure the futures of their progeny as best they can.

We bought glass tupperware and silicone utensils†I impulse-bought an acacia cutting board literally this past weekend.. We shop with backpacks and reusable bags. We use air purifiers and buy organic when we can afford it.

It hasn’t been that long since avian flu jacked up the price of eggs and we all had to mortage our futures for a little breakfast†Y’all told us Millennials that we’d never buy houses because we spent all our money on Starbucks lattes and avocado toasts. Turns out a couple dozen eggs would do everyone in.. Eggs are a staple and a comfort food. It’s an easy source of protein for kids who balk at real food and they take only minutes to make. I need them. We need them.

The Department of Health and Human Services is being run by science-flouters and conspiracy theorists. The EPA is being dismantled. Clean energy is being suppressed and the government is letting the dogs of industry shit all over our proverbial yard. Public health is in a shambles, gasoline prices are through the roof, and it feels like it’s every man for himself.

My home is the only place I’m remotely immune to the insanity and the only control I’ve had lately is over the food I make and I haven’t been able to fry an egg toxin-free.

I have no idea what coats modern non-stick pans. Maybe it’s not BPA, but it’s something and I probably don’t want to know what. Is it a big deal if I use one only for eggs? Probably not, but it’s the principle of the thing. Why should this be my best option?

Enter the Strata carbon steel clad pan, a 10-inch skillet with a layer of carbon steel on an aluminum base. It’s light enough that I don’t have to engage my entire core to lift it, but sturdy enough that I could still bludgeon a home intruder in a pinch†Dear Cooks Illustrated, please adopt this metric for all your cookware reviews. Thanks.. This, I knew, would solve my egg problems.

After seasoning it and watching a couple YouTube videos about eggs specifically, I thought I had the idea, but apparently not. Disaster. Mutilated egg yolk everywhere like a bloody yellow massacre.

I had seasoned the pan to factory instructions, so I was sure that wasn’t the issue, but the YouTube videos didn’t quantify preheat time and temperature†Using a thermometer for this seems like overkill and I wasn’t about to do it, again, on principle.. It took me a while to figure out the exact method on my stove and I endured weeks of ridicule from my wife, but I think I finally got it.

My victory celebration, I imagine, was much like that of 1783 after the Treaty of Paris. I had gained my independence from non-stick cookware! Take that, you shifty-eyed industrial oligarchs!

That was the last piece of non-toxic cookware I needed to figure out and now, at the expense of dozens of I am a modern-day Buddha. If you too would like to achieve non-toxic fried egg nirvana, grab a Strata pan and follow these instructions.

• Set 3-inch burner 2/3 of the way to High†Adjust to the size of your burner accordingly.
• Heat for 90 seconds
• Add oil
• Heat for 30 seconds
• Add eggs
• Taste enlightenment